The burnout

Sooo I'm back to blogging...

Or at least I think so. I hope so at least.

Life is in an interesting and different phase for me right now.... and I will get into that over this week I hope.

For now work consumes all my time.

I'm working a bunch of hours and it's becoming draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful and not complaining...but I'm fading and that's frustrating.

3 weeks ago I worked 44 hours at Gianotti's and then over the last 2 weeks I have worked over 90 hours between Red Robin and Gianotti's.


I was able to move my shift around at Gianotti's to benefit me both long and short term.

I had been working Monday to Saturday 4-10 (M-TH) and 4-11 (Fri,Sat) and it was killing me only having one day off, so for that reason and the fact that morning shifts get better money, I dropped my Monday and started working a double shift on Wednesdays (8-3,4-10). I just started it last week after asking for it for so long...and I'm thankful for it....but it wore me out...

After the day, I came home and crashed for 11 hours and still felt worn out the next day... but I keep pressing on. In fact, I believe I am about to get another double shift soon. My hope is to cut my Tuesday nights and do a double Wednesday, double Thursday, and then my normal shifts Friday and Saturday nights.


I guess things for me are starting to change in terms of what I focus on. Months ago I concentrated on fun and everything else but now, even with over 40 hours a week, I am still searching for more work. After all, I do have my mornings free and I'm not in school now so I might as well work as much as I can while I'm not.

Ah life continues.... hopefully the burnout ends soon though.

Why I make myself sick

I'm sick of not being different. I'm sick of going with the crowd. I'm sick of being a good Christian on a Sunday morning and a pretty crappy one the rest of the time. I guess I can't get rid of the sick feeling from life being im-perfect, because I realize it's this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am? I guess where I'm at is a fine place.... I'm where God wants me, but I guess I've come to a point where I don't like being a fraud. A place of realizing that I can't put on a good show because God sees through it and those close to me know me enough to see differently. It's not that I don't know this stuff, but I often try to ignore it. I want to be a good Christian but I never feel like it. If I really trusted everything God has shown me, why so often I just want to get drunk and forget about life...instead of taking my troubles to God? I'm not saying I DO get drunk on these occasions, but if I'm honest about my desires, its what I really want. I want to get drunk and wake up and forget about all my problems.

But here's the universal, all consuming problem.... As my wise mother told me at about this time 3 years ago '

Changing your adress doesn't leave all your problems behind. They come with you

Oh to go back.... She told me that a few weeks before I went to Desales....and we all know how that experiment ended.
Failure would be an understatement...at least in the acedemic realm.

So I guess the lesson is.... changing my adress....

or getting drunk....or pursuing any other shameful,sinful ways to mess up my life.... don't satisfy the desired effect....nor do the enjoyements they offer for a short time last...

because I'm still the same John Schuchman...the same person who 'can't get rid of the sick feeling from being so far from perfect', and the same person finally realizing 'Life is this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am'





Oh God, save me please?

Our determined failure

On why people dislike Christians... this is an interesting bit... The first part is from Leslie Nease's blog. She was a contestant a few seasons back on Survivor:China.

I got a glimpse into a possible reason why people judge Christians when I was reading the book Survivor written by Mark Burnett, the producer of the series. He was talking about Dirk Been, the Christian guy on season one of the series. I'm not sure where Mr. Burnett stands with his faith (I'm certainly not qualified to judge his heart!) but he sure does offer some pretty intense insight to this subject in this paragraph from page 59.... (taken from her blog.. )






Dirk's demise was probably a few Tribal Councils off. But it was sure to come for he was beginning to annoy Tagi. The reason was his Christianity. There seems to be something threatening about a devout person of any faith to non-believers. It's as though a mirror is being held up to their faults. They feel judged. Whenever an individual closer to life's idea state comes in contact with those drifting farther away - a physically fit person in a room of smokers, a mentally balanced person speaking with someone fragmented and dysfunctional - that person is quietly scorned as a reminder of imperfection. Thus the universal dislike for those seeking a higher plane. Mankind, by its very nature, is an imperfect animal. It's easier to revel in imperfection and mock those taking the bold step towards improvement than to actually attempt the step. On an island that mockery can translate into an easy vote.

Blogging through the Crap

As I sit and sometimes wonder why I blog, I think the title of this post pretty much sums it all up. Blogging through the crap of life is why I blog. Some people blog when life is perfect. I am just the opposite. I blog when life just sucks...
That's not always the case, but it is the norm. I don't know if that's good or if it's bad.... I just know its the way I am.
I don't intend to blog to complain, but it's more to try to work out things in my head and try to find the biblical answer to my questions and issues. Certainly easier said than done. I'm still learning and trying to do things the right way...

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Savior;
The Hope of nations.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Don't let your feeling get the best ...

this sucks for me to. I hate it
I cry too. I here a song...or something...and just break down.

And going...

And so life goes on.
And it's getting better!

I now have another job!! Say hi to the newest Red Robin employee!!! :)
At my 2nd and final interview on Thursday, I was asked if I would prefer morning or evening hours and I asked for morning. I am not sure of the shift that would be, but I have heard it might be like a 10-4 or 10-5 and if so, I will try to continue my 4-11 Tuesday-Saturday at Giannotti's, and have even been told if I work till around 4 or 5, I can just come over once I am done.
So that's great news. I still don't know how many days and hours I will have, but depending on what that is, I will then decide what to go about the job I currently have.

I am thankful that in a time when some people can't find any job at all, I now have an opportunity to work not 1, but 2 jobs.
Thank you Lord :)

Where life is going?

It is g o i n g.
Or is it?
IF it is moving, it seems to be moving S L O W L Y.

Where is it going? I mean I'm 21 and still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life....
kinda frustrating, not because I don't have things I want to do or feel called to do, but I want to do and feel called to do so many different things.

In terms of short term plans.....I am working right now and looking for other work...with more hours and a better pay. I may have found it as I recently applied at Red Robin and have interview #2 tomorrow at 10 AM. Hopefully that goes well.

In terms of photography work, last Saturday (August 1st), I shot my first full wedding by myself!!!

It was VERY exciting. :)

I will share more details about that later. It may have led to more job opportunities at some point both short term and long term. The wedding itself went very well overall, and I was pretty happy with the photo results.

In general I am a tough place in terms of job decisions, living arrangements, and just so many areas in general. I'm beginning to once again realize that I do not control my own future, and someone much bigger and better than me does so.

I am thankful for that, though often I think I could control it better, I could not, and seeing how in limbo and undetermined so many things are, I think that's a great thing.

His plans are better than my own anyway, right?
I just sometimes wish I could know what they are.

I'm on a roller coaster ride. When doe s it end?

Or is it a never-ending ride?

Check out the new widget :D

Schuchman Photography on Facebook

My life as an idiot...

No really. I do lots of stupid things....but never this stupid....at least I don't think so.
So I'm at work tonight....getting ready to mop the floor at the end of my shift....

I do this every night/5 nights a week....and have since January.


Well....tonight I was getting ready to mop....when I dropped my phone...right into the bucket of boiling hot water....

Yeah....my phone pretty much took a crap right there.

RIP phone.

I feel like an idiot.
The end.

Long time no see

Ah helllo friends.

Here I sit with time to blog. Why, well I don't know. Because I'm an idiot who doesn't sleep and it is 4 AM. I do try to sleep seriously. It just never happens. I'm a crazy lunatic.


It's been so long since I blogged...and oh how my life has changed, some public, much very private....but life has sure changed.

I guess I'm changing too. and my definition of change is also changing I guess. I'm not really sure exactly what that means....but it's happening.

I'm in a tough spot in a lot of ways. Those close enough to know the intimate workings of my life know about this stuff. The others just need to ask and I'm more than willing to talk.

I kinda feel like I have life under control and am in a good spot, while also feeling like I have no control and is my life is one downwardly spiraling mess. Is that proper English? I doubt it.
Anyway....


Rarely do I show emotion. Tonight I did. I cried. It felt like crap....while also feeling so wonderful.
There comes a point where you can only take so much hurt and pain before you break down. and when it comes from the people who you trust to support,encourage, and help you...it sucks.

But anyway. I'm learning a lot, growing a lot, and learning what true learning and growing even means.

I guess I'm in some twilight zone vortex just trying to regain my footing. I hope to catch it soon. Until then I look for footholds, pray for encouragement and good influences, and trust in the one that knows it all and has it all planned out.

Come along, continue to take this journey by following my blog.

I promise to make it more active now.
Seriously though this time :P

Game 7!!! Penguins vs. Red Wings

Because this is the only update I have time for :P
A real one coming soon. Promise


For now, it's all about game 7 tonight for the Penguins and Red Wings.
Is there a better way for a season to end?

Great series by both teams! It all comes down to 1 game.

History, both past and present is against the Penguins in this game.
They were down 2-0 to the Capitals and won
They were down 2-0 to Detroit in this series, and yet here they sit.

It all comes down to tonight at 8.

A dynasty can repeat
or a dynasty can begin.

If Fluery is who he can be and has been at home, Pens are Champs.
If Fluery plays like he has in Detroit and Osgood is OsGreat, Red Wings repeat.

I love the Penguins, so it has been great to get to this point.

Tonight one team will celebrate.

Everything points to Detroit winning this game.

But February when the Penguins were on the outside looking in on a playoff spot, and 0-2 to the Capitals and these Red Wings pointed to them not even being here, so this team has been proving history wrong all year.

GO PENGUINS!!!

An off and on blogger

I'm on and off more than the Philles pitching staff.

This will be quick and concise...but it's an update

More like facebook status updates than blog post but whatever.

• I'm scared about the end of school. Almost all 4 of my classes could end with either really good grades or really bad grades...depending on how well the next 13 days go.
• I'm so ready for the summer! Time with friends!!!! (maybe a week at the beach with ONLY friends!!!???) Time to work!! (and make money that I so desperately need!!)
• Growing: I hope to do some major growing this summer...just with where I am in life... with relationships with friends of mine, with family of mine..and with Elisa. Always room for improvement, and I'm continuing to grow every day.

Yea that's it...not cuz there's nothing elise to say...but more because I'm sick of typing. haha

O FYI. Bio still sucks.

New favorite verse!

James 4:7

⁷ So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

It's beautiful

It's beautiful by EleventySeven.
One of my favorite songs and my most played right now.
I really enjoy the way it talks about what Christ
turns us into and how beautiful that really is.



Here's just part of the song I really like

Despite the grace that I dismissed
Forgiveness was the catalyst
To penetrate my heart with what is true...

Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted
I'm asking You to shape my heart
I want to be Your work of art
'Cause when You change me
And make me more like You
It's beautiful.

and THAT is what I truly desire. Make me more like you.

Hold while I throw up on the window...

I hate being sick. and I am sick so I kinda hate any time when I'm not sleeping right now.

• My new best friend's in the world are Fisherman's Friends, and Elisa for introducing me to them. Unfortunately they got left at work yesterday and so I am about to die without them.
• Food looks really gross when you are concerned about something else making you sick
• I had to work and go to class while sick (bummer). Welcome to the real world: No snow days....or sick days either

• I'm feeling quite random and that's why I am typing in bullets. Random and no real point to them....but they sure do look cool.

• And how about we show a little love for the Pens who knocked up the Flyers tonight! :D.

• This playoff series won't be much of a contest...and the Pens will win easily in 5 or 6.

• I will be happy in a few weeks when the Flyers and Sixers are both knocked out of the playoffs as I happily watch the Penguins,Hurricanes,Cavaliers,and Spurs play on for a Championship.

This ends the random and unsorted bullet post.

Tuesday Ten

Things I'm thankful for today!

1. Jesus rose from the dead :) The ultimate sacrifice turned into the ultimate triumph of sin.
2. On Sunday I was able to see many friends from Covenant I have not seen in months.
3. My family came up from Virginia for the weekend and I was able to spend some time with them.
4. Today I took 3 test for my computers class, which was a big step in catching up on school.
5. I did better on the tests than I thought I would. I knew more of the material so my grades on them should be pretty good.
6. I only have 4 more weeks of school.
7. I went into work today. As much as I may not like my job, I have a job, locally. I am learning to be thankful for what I have since some people can't even get a job.
8. I am beginning to figure out my plans for the fall school-wise.
9. My sister got back to Pittsburgh safely today. Mom,Sam, and the girls also arrived safely in Fredericksburgh.
10. God is in control of every situation in my life, even when I don't understand them or like certain situations.

Losing Control.

I got onto blog about something else on my mind, but it was all planned out. I don't like to blog when I plan posts out. I like to go sentence to sentence and tell you what's on my mind. It's a way to be honest and genuine. No sugar coating...no faking it, but plenty of misplaced and jumbled words I'm sure.
as a short update....let's just say life seems a little to crazy for me to handle right now. I feel like I'm losing control of myself. School is becoming more complicated as the semester continues. I still feel behind. Work is busy as ever... and conflicts arise as I begin to know these people.
Relationships seem somewhat torn but hopeful that though I may not like certain rules and restrictions placed in many of the relationships around me....they are always for a purpose, and are often good for me.


This week was spring break, but instead I feel more crammed and running out of time and patience then when I didn't have a break.

Don't let me die.

I read this yesterday in 'Leadership' as I did my devotions. It was speaking about Eli. A well respected man as a religous leader, yet he couldn't get it done at home.
The book says

This reverend judge in Israel failed to discipline his two sons...Elisa lost his job, and eventually his life... If we do not faithfully lead our own households, we lack the qualifications to work beyond the home... Eli made some crucial errors.

1. Emphasis- Eli emphasized teaching his colleagues and clients, not his famiy.
2. Example-Eli failed to live out in his home what he taught at work.
3. Entanglements- Eli got so caught up with his profession, he blinded himself to his failu

Wow. I certainly hope that will not be me. As I pursue a relationship with the hope of pushing towards becoming a husband and father who is a leader, I really thought about this as I read. All I could keep thinking was 'Please don't let this be me'. My exact prayer was

Lord, teach me NOW how to be the head of a family so that I may teach my children what is right. I don't want to die because I did not properlly,biblically, teach them what is right. I don't want them to live their life not listening to authority as I sadly, often did. Teach them your ways because I don't want them to have to learn everything the hard way or to die because they do not listen.

Where life is at today

Where Am I?

I'm trying to figure that out so I break it down into sections.

1. Lonely- I miss my granmother now with Jesus, I miss my family down in North Carolina, and those also in Virginia. I miss them all more than ever.

2. Not lonely- After 11 days away, I was finally able to see Elisa, my dad, and friends in PA again. I missed them and am glad to be back with them.

3. Frustrated- After almost 2 weeks away, I got behind in school. I came back and have been cramming all week... and now tomorrow I have a huge biology exam tomorrow that I don't feel prepared for. I studied for days for the last one...and got a D. I feel less prepared this time and honestly am frustrated beyond belief. I don't know what I am going to do. I guess I just have to leave it at 'I've done my best to prepare for this test', and leave the rest up to God.

4, Renewed and Hopeful.

Becoming that leader.

I've had struggles for months with trying to read my bible on a daily basis. So how to handle an issue like this? Cut back on the time and reading right? I missed the logic of that... so I not only increased the amount I was reading...but also the times I would read.

I couldn't handle reading it once a day...so now it will be twice a day..,

Morning and Evening, which just so happens to be the title of the book (by Charles Spurgeon) I am using for my devotions. I am also going through Leadership: Promises for Every Day (by John C. Maxwell). I did not give God once per day...so let's see if I can give him twice a day, and make a way to work it into my schedule. It's been a long battle, but I want to give him my all...and knowing that he will take it leaves me hopeful.




That's about all that's up in the life of John. Never Boring :)

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.-Mercy Me

INFILTRATE

I’m a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.


I’ve stepped over the line.
The decision has been made.
I’m a disciple of His.
I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.
My past redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.

I’m finished and done with low living, sidewalking, small-planning, smooth-knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, worldly-talking, cheap-giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, position, promotion, applause or popularity.
I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded.

I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience.
I’m uplifted by prayer, and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my God reliable.
My mission is clear.
I cannot be bumped, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my adversaries, negotiate at the table of my enemy or ponder at the pool of popularity.
I won’t give up, shut up, let up until I’ve stayed up, stored up, prayed up, preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a DISCIPLE OF JESUS.

Finally back.

I'm finally home. It was good to be with my family. It was good to see granny before she died. It was great to see my cousins and Aunts and Uncles. It was so sad to go. I spent the weekend becoming closer to them and getting to know all of my family better.

It was really hard to leave. Part of me never wanted to go, the rest of me knew I had no choice. I've lost 3 weeks of work which means I'm uh...broke. I've lost 2 weeks of school so now I am way behind in school.

Hmmm. I've already had to ask for extensions for work to be done in 2 classes. That really stinks because then it pushes everything back as well.

Welcome back to life John. Enjoy being so busy that you don't know how to function for rest of the week.

Some encouraging words from Job.

I, for my part, know that my Redeemer lives
that He, at last, will rise on the earth.
After I wake up, he will make me stand next to Him,
and, in my flesh, I shall see God.
The One I shall see shall be for me,
the One I shall look upon will not be a stranger.

Job 19:25-27


And Angie Waggoner knew that and lived it. And she is standing next to him. She has seen him and he knows her. He has given her an eternal home in Heaven.

Well Done.

The time has finally passed.

My grandmother is gone. Thank you granny for everything.
Thank you for living your life for Jesus.
Thank you for living your life to teach your 4 children and 15 grandchildren about the love of Christ and about right and wrong.
Thank you for being a shining example to the world of God's love and plan for those he calls.

Yesterday I heard a story of a time when you were in the hospital and very sick. You were on lots of medication which had you 'out of it', but when a nurse swore using the name of Jesus, you said Please don't insult the name of Jesus. He is the one in whom all my hope lies.

Angie Elizabeth Waggoner, I love that story because that wasn't a show. That was who you were inside and out.

I can only hope to live life the way you lived it, knowing God was guiding all your steps.

I praise the Lord that at around 1:30 this morning, you heard the words

Matthew 25:²¹"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Still here

Still with my grandmother. Wow she sure is a fighter. We were told she would be gone within 48 hours of Wednesday morning, but she is still here. At this point, it looks like I am leaving at some point this weekend. Right now it looks like it is going to be Sunday. I really need to get back to work and school. I have already missed 3 weeks of work and a whole week of school and can't afford to miss any more of either.
Gran's breathing is becoming more shallow, and some here don't expect her to survive the night, but that's been said for a few days, so I don't know what to expect anymore.
At least I feel at peace (seriously this time) and believe that God's plan will be met whether she dies tonight, tomorrow, or some other time in the future.


Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved; for you are the one I praise.

(IS IT) well with my soul?

Ah. What a great song.
"It is well with my soul".

Always one of my favorites and so re-assuring. But in this moment...I question it.



My aunt has played this song the last to nights on the piano as I was falling asleep. Both nights I found it hard to not cry. Last night I just broke down.

I can say I'm ready for her to go to 'be in a better place', but really I find it rather uneasy that she will not be here anymore. I find it hard to believe I could wake up tomorrow and she would be gone.

I told myself I would be fine and ok with her dying, but wanted to be here to support the rest of my family.

I was wrong. I'm not ok. I'm not ready for this, and right now, honestly nothing feels well within my soul.

The peace I thought I had, isn't really there. The strength I though I had to hold back the tears is gone.

Right now I am not at peace.

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep

The time draws near

It's coming, and soon. She's headed home.

It's so hard to know that everything you do could be your last with your grandmother alive. She always was a fighter who never gave up. She's had cancer for years, but never did she complain about it or blame God or any of us. She took her lot in life, and trusted in him for everything.

I heard she was 'with it' and recognizing people earlier today, and ran downstairs to her bed thinking 'what if this is the last time she recognizes me'.

I ran up to get my camera wondering if this will be the last time I go up these stairs while she is alive.

Thankfully though, this is not her home, and this pain she feels, and the sadness all of us here feel will not last.

Getting ready to say goodbye...

It's so hard to let those close to you go,especially those that have never let anything stop them from living life to its fullest.

My grandmother is very sick and has been given only a few days to live. She has had cancer for years, and it has reached her brain and the rest of her body. She was told by doctors months ago that they couldn't do anything else for her, but we didn't know she would go this quick until she took a turn for the worst late Wednesday night. I left early Thursday morning to come down here because I was told she only had a few days to live. All of her vitals are dropping, and I've come to grips with the fact that at this time next week,or even in a couple days, she will be gone.

Part of me just wants to cry, and I've done alot of it. I don't want to see her go. I don't want to see my mom,Aunts,and Uncle have to deal with losing their mother.

YET, The other part of me is ready to see it and would like God to take her sooner rather than later. She is confident in where she is going, and lived her life in that manner. I don't want to see her in pain anymore. This is the part that often hides itself.

In times like this, its hard to believe that God has an eternal plan bigger than me, or my grandmother Angie Waggoner,or any of the people here this weekend.

Not so into this blogging thing

Yeah so I'm not so into blogging anymore? Maybe I just lost the 'flavor of the week' that blogging was. Maybe I started dating and suddenly had no time? Maybe (HELLO!!!) Lost and Survivor are back and I don't feel like I can sacrifice concentrating on them. haha

Either way....the blogging has calmed down a bit. I actually don't think the answer is any of those things. I believe that I just felt like personal information and daily things were not something everyone needed to know or even cared about. So the blogging stopped, but here I am again.

So here is what is up with my life.


School is back. I honestly have the worst 4 classes ever...all in one semester. Luckily though, Elisa is in my Monday night Biology class, and a good friend of mine is in my Wednesday night accounting class, so at least those two are not as bad because people I am close too are in the classes. The other two are just bad. One is an online course, but the other is an UNBEARABLE Music Appreciation class on Thursday nights. Ugh don't even get my started on how awful it is. Everything is just bad....the teacher, the subject matter...everything.

ugh enough of the school discussion.

SO is there anything else to discuss?

AH YES...

So work... as many of you know I got a new job about 6 weeks ago. Well I was just working Friday and Saturday nights (Social Life Killer) but they liked me so much and said I was a good worker (told you mom!!!) that they also gave me Tuesday nights, and are trying to find more hours for me.


I also took on reading through the book of James with Elisa. It was great to finally find myself in a reading the bible every day mode. I tried for so long to do it and just always would do it for like a week and then stop for months on end. So we read through James and are now reading through my favorite book, Romans, together.

James was an interesting look at LIFE. I seriously felt like it was exactly what I was going through day to day. I especially love James 2:14-3:12 and 5:7-20.

Seriously check it out if you are looking for something to read or especially apply to whatever you are going through right now!


Well folks, that's all for now.
Praying you are are well!

²³Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

²⁵ Brothers, pray for us..... ²⁷I put you under oath before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers.

Life at that crossroad.

It's where I stand.

I want to do well in school....but other desires (dating, friends, just being lazy) pull me away
I desire to save money....but also want to go out to eat, buy CD's movies and go places
I desire to love Elisa....but also desire for my own way which is not love

I want God's will for my life....but normally only if it fits my plans.


Lord change my heart, change my desires. Turn my world upside down. Take my desires away, all of them. Make me only desire you and to know you more fully and your plan for my life.
Give the me the strength and patience to leave life in your hands, because your plans are better than my own, and when I try to take control of my life, I just mess things up...no doubt about that one. Change my heart and give me a heart for you instead of one where I desire only to serve myself.

I need it now, just like always.
Help me realize that.

So long ...........farewell

It seems like every post has been an 'I'm coming back', and instead turned into a 'Adios for a long,long time'. That was never intentional, and yet it happened.
So here is my 'so long' to the farewell....for I don't want to delay my updates like this anymore.

I feel like I should update everyone on the last 2+ months of my life, but I don't know what to even say and how to describe it.
It's hard to even describe or think about how far things have come in so many areas of my life.

I guess if there was an overall theme to the past few months and now the theme of my life, it's that everytime that you feel hopeless, with God there is allways.

I went through over 20 job applications over the past few months, never getting a job. I was upset, I was depressed and I became angry at God for not giving me a job. I turned my back on him yet he never let go and didn't turn away from me as I deserved. Instead he opened a door and allowed me to find a great job with a wonderful company. I began the job a week and a half ago and so far so good. The people I work with are great and the managers like me and say I am a hard worker, so...so far so good. I didn't deserve this opportunity at another job...and yet God is gracious and gave it to me.

As of now I am working about 30 hours a week between the two jobs I have.

Part of me doesn't understand why I get second chances and chances to fix my mistakes, but I am surely grateful for those chances. I am understand more about myself every day and just starting to grasp how often I ignore what God is telling me or trying to show me. Thankfully, when I try to run away and turn my back, he never lets go.

Everything else continues to run its course in my life. I start school again on Monday and it should be a make or break it semester. I currently have 4 courses but am hoping to bump that up to 5 or maybe 6 if I get can get signed into 2 courses I need but don't have the pre-requisites for.

Me and Elisa continue to grow together as well. I can't believe we are fast approaching 3 months together. It's strange how fast time has gone. I am so happy for her and what she means to my life. She makes me want to do things differently then the 20 years of failed attempts.Before I lived in the 'here and now' and for myself. Now I am becoming a different person, realizing that the decisions I make don't just effect me here, but also me and others around me long term. I am starting to learn more about this each day. Decisions that I made over my life have effected others in a negative way, and I don't want to do that to anyone anymore. I want to be living like I know about that hope for the future I am told about (Jeremiah 29:11), and live my life striving to reach those goals for myself, for me and Elisa as a couple, and for the family, friends, and people I come in contact with as I go.

Elisa has become my best friend and ultimate supporter, never accepting failure or falling short, especially when I am ready to just give up on myself, she pushes me further.

The ride continues and I will continue to be thankful for it as I go, praying that God holds me and my plans tightly in his own plan and doesn't let me go off that path or turn my back on him again.

So.....

so long .....for now, until next time. When will it be? I don't know....but hopefully the delay is short so that I can keep the people who care enough to read this and care about me as a person updated on how my journey is going.