I'm sick of not being different. I'm sick of going with the crowd. I'm sick of being a good Christian on a Sunday morning and a pretty crappy one the rest of the time. I guess I can't get rid of the sick feeling from life being im-perfect, because I realize it's this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am? I guess where I'm at is a fine place.... I'm where God wants me, but I guess I've come to a point where I don't like being a fraud. A place of realizing that I can't put on a good show because God sees through it and those close to me know me enough to see differently. It's not that I don't know this stuff, but I often try to ignore it. I want to be a good Christian but I never feel like it. If I really trusted everything God has shown me, why so often I just want to get drunk and forget about life...instead of taking my troubles to God? I'm not saying I DO get drunk on these occasions, but if I'm honest about my desires, its what I really want. I want to get drunk and wake up and forget about all my problems.
But here's the universal, all consuming problem.... As my wise mother told me at about this time 3 years ago '
Changing your adress doesn't leave all your problems behind. They come with you
Oh to go back.... She told me that a few weeks before I went to Desales....and we all know how that experiment ended.
Failure would be an understatement...at least in the acedemic realm.
So I guess the lesson is.... changing my adress....
or getting drunk....or pursuing any other shameful,sinful ways to mess up my life.... don't satisfy the desired effect....nor do the enjoyements they offer for a short time last...
because I'm still the same John Schuchman...the same person who 'can't get rid of the sick feeling from being so far from perfect', and the same person finally realizing 'Life is this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am'
Oh God, save me please?
2 comments:
Hi John, Every step you take closer to God, the more He reveals to you who He is. Our God who is holy requires perfection - it's His nature, He wouldn't be God if He didn't require it. Isaiah, the prophet, saw it in 6:5, "Woe is me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." A hot coal was then placed on his lips to take away his guilt and atone his sin. God then called out "Whom shall I send?" and Isaiah said "Here am I. Send me!" It sounds to me that this realization of imperfection is a good thing John! Although, a hot coal on your mouth probably hurts like whoa - this time of purification and sanctification is NECESSARY in order to hear the call of the Lord. He is equipping you to become that man of God you are called to be - and the process will show you perserverance. Don't be ashamed of not feeling/looking/acting perfect - its the best place to be so that you can allow God to save you! Keep perservering!
Love ya, John. I totally feel ya. :/ I think I'm in a similar place. Praying for you every day.
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