I'm not a big fan of silence.
Anyone who knows me shouldn't find that hard to believe. There is rarely a moment where I have complete silence in my life. I almost always have sound coming into my ears, usually through music which I play constantly.
So when I am placed in a spot of of true silence, I find myself in awe. There I was last night, or rather this morning at 1:00. I laid there thinking,trying to fall asleep. Thinking about events of the past few days and different conversations I've had. And I sat there until 1:40 to think, in silence. I tried and tried and couldn't fall asleep, so instead, I thought/prayed/wondered
in silence. I was dead tired, but couldn't sleep!
Then,after think so hard, I finally fell asleep at 1:45. End of story?
No. I was dead tired, and just praying I would wake up in time to get to work by 8 AM. So my alarms (Yes I use more than one) were set: 7:20 AM. Next thing I know, Awake, jumping out of bed, alarm going off, and so I turn them off (or at least I thought I did).
I came downstairs, shaved, and went back upstairs to get dressed. Then I looked at the clock. 2:40 AM. What? Didn't I just fall asleep? I have no idea what happened or how I just woke up, but I did. Then, suddenly, the thoughts were back in my head again, and so I knew I needed to blog it, or else I would forget it.
So much is going through my mind right now that I don't understand.
Love? EH.... Don't ask cause I don't understand. No seriously. My head says one thing, my heart says another. I guess my facebook status I set before I fell asleep could accurately describe it all.
John is headed to bed. Doesn't want to think about it,but praying he can dream about it.
My head said don't even THINK about it. My heart desired for more than just thinking, and wanted to dream about it. I'm really not sure how my head and heart co-exist in the same body since they pull in opposite directions almost all of the time! If I get to a T, my heart says left, while my head says right. SO which do I listen to?
There's the part in my head that says
"You've got a lot more to worry about in life right now than dating. You need to concentrate on school,work, and serving God"
My heart fights back ''You've never dated anyone, you've said ''true love waits'' for the longest time, not even giving yourself a chance, so maybe now's the time. Take that step''
So that's where I am. Do I try, or do I forget about it? Ignoring it is often harder than heartbreak, at least for me. Would I rather not find out at all....or find out,even if it means this isn't the right one? I don't know the answer.
There's a part of me that hates this entire discussion, but let me make things clear. I'm
not just looking to be with
ANYONE, because they have come along, but have not been committed to the same beliefs that I have. And I've got standards and beliefs, and I can't stretch those for any girl, no matter how much I wish I could.
I can't date a non-Christian. That is 100% out of the question. There are other things as well, but that is neither here nor there. More than anything, I want her to love God more than anything else, and seek his direction.
I'm learning things I need to know to begin preparing myself for someone special, so that's kinds cool I guess.
I've learned that :
I'm NOT always right.
Saying 'I'm Sorry' always helps things.
Shouldn't these things been learned years ago? Yeah probably.
So anyway. That's where I'm at.
Somewhere between 'desiring for a relationship' while also 'desiring to wait on God's timing'.
I'm not sure the two can co-0exist, but it feels like ,right now at least, I am living between the two of them.
All the while, I'm learning what he's trying to tell me through the silence. Music off, Lights Out, selfish hopes and desires laid aside.
Silence.
