As many of you know, I connect my thoughts and feelings so much better when I find a song that explains them.
As I resumed blogging three weeks ago the song that I had for what I was feeling was "Here's My Life" by Barlow Girl
I have thought about that post a lot since I wrote it. I wasn't really at good place. In many ways I was angry at God.
It's kind of interesting how life goes sometimes I guess. I had lost a lot of motivation and was at that place where I didn't understand why God was doing what he was doing. I would have days where I felt great but then I would see someone or think of something and basically have a nervous breakdown.
To say there was a lot going on in my head would be an understatement.
I had a few friendships that went bad, and they seemed past the point of mending so I cried out to God.
I wanted to heal. I wanted to mend. But it seemed like I was taking one step forward and then two steps back.
I asked myself as I heard that song, what does "Here's my life" even mean? What does it mean to give God complete control of every single thing in my life?
So I began to question everything.
'What does this faith even mean?'
'What does growth even look like?'
'How can I trust God despite the crappy circumstances?'
There's a line in the song 'You Can Have Me' by Sidewalk Prophets that hit me like a ton of bricks.
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
.... Life changing right there.
I stopped my pity party... and said to God ' Alright- you send these things for a reason. I don't know what those reasons are right now, so teach me to trust you and praise you even in the suffering'
For a very long time I've been willing to give him, as I said in my post before, certain parts of my life.
But for other things, like relationships, or my finances, I wanted to handle it.
So I cried out and said
And so that's what I meditate on and prayed for over the last few weeks. It hasn't been easy and I still have along way to go, but I am growing.what does it mean to honestly say here's my life and really give it all to you? Please help me learn what it means to apply that to my life.
As I meditated on that over the past few weeks, I've question what that looks like in certain areas of my life.
What does revolution in my life look like? What does change look like? What does really giving it all to God look like? As I learn these things, how can I encourage others?
I specifically questioned certain areas of struggle:
What does is it mean for someone who has struggled with lust and pornography on and off for years to say: ''I'm done with that, I don't want it anymore. It leads to death, it makes me sick. It gives me a false view of relationships. It makes my view of my SISTERS in Christ look all distorted?"
What does it mean as a person who struggled with financial responsibility to say "I'm done controlling them, I'm done buying what I want just because I feel like it whenever I want. God calls me to be responsible- What does it mean to be someone who is wise with my money?"
What does it mean to stop pursuing relationships the way I want to pursue them and just say "Thy will be done"?
What does it mean, as a person who claims to be a Christian, claims to love the Lord, but has a hard time even reading the Bible everyday to make specific time to read the Word consistently?
What does it mean to intentionally be in the Word, intentionally be praying that God's will be done?
What does it mean to be intentional about sharing the gospel with others in my life?
As I think about all these things, what I realized is that I need change in my life! I can't change anyone until I change myself. I can't witness for Jesus well until I learned to live for Him.
I can't encourage my youth group kids or my friends to give everything to the Lord, unless I'm willing to give it all to Him first. Because people learn by example, so I have to give them one.
As I meditate on all these things, and what it means to be a man of Christ, I've been listening to this song by the band newsboys called "here we stand"
Some of the lyrics say
we can see it, God, you're moving. We can feel it in our bones. Turn our hearts to all you were doing. With a shout we cryhere we stand in all, here we stand at all. Lifted high every heart, giving you every part. Here we stand. There is nothing like your presence, God.
So I have been meditating on that. I need a revolution, and so here I stand.
Let me live for you, let me serve you, let me give you every single part of my life, and let me trust you.
Life looks a lot different than it did three weeks ago.
I have mended some of those relationships, I have built back that trust.
God has really started to bless me by placing certain individuals into my life again. And so I am at a better place, I'm not crying out to God wondering why he did this, or what he's doing, because I feel Him moving and I see what he's doing, but I still pray "Thy will be done".
I still want to be more like Christ every single day.
I'm still striving to change the sick patterns that I've had.
I'm still striving to create Godly patterns in my life every single day.
As I have processed through the struggle, a friend of mine pointed out a verse to me. In the struggle I often quote Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
It's easy to read that and then stopped, but she told me to read what follows in verse 12-13,
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Reading that was completely revolutionary-I had an 'Ahaa!' moment.
So... I will find God when I seek him with ALL that I am!?
Every single thing in my life needs to be given up to Him.
No wonder I had felt so alone, depressed, and felt that things were hopeless. Because I wasn't trusting the only one who never lets me down!
And so that's the goal. I see God blessing me. I am so happy that words can't explain it. :)
But just as I cried out to God in the struggle, I want to continue to cry as things go well!
Thank you Lord for all these blessings you have given me! Help me to seek you more each day. Help me to become a leader. Help me to be a mighty servant for you. Give me the desire to praise you in the good and the bad times because it is all a gift from you, and you use all these things to sanctify me and make me more like Jesus each and every day.
Thy will be done God.
Welcome to the journey.