Why I make myself sick

I'm sick of not being different. I'm sick of going with the crowd. I'm sick of being a good Christian on a Sunday morning and a pretty crappy one the rest of the time. I guess I can't get rid of the sick feeling from life being im-perfect, because I realize it's this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am? I guess where I'm at is a fine place.... I'm where God wants me, but I guess I've come to a point where I don't like being a fraud. A place of realizing that I can't put on a good show because God sees through it and those close to me know me enough to see differently. It's not that I don't know this stuff, but I often try to ignore it. I want to be a good Christian but I never feel like it. If I really trusted everything God has shown me, why so often I just want to get drunk and forget about life...instead of taking my troubles to God? I'm not saying I DO get drunk on these occasions, but if I'm honest about my desires, its what I really want. I want to get drunk and wake up and forget about all my problems.

But here's the universal, all consuming problem.... As my wise mother told me at about this time 3 years ago '

Changing your adress doesn't leave all your problems behind. They come with you

Oh to go back.... She told me that a few weeks before I went to Desales....and we all know how that experiment ended.
Failure would be an understatement...at least in the acedemic realm.

So I guess the lesson is.... changing my adress....

or getting drunk....or pursuing any other shameful,sinful ways to mess up my life.... don't satisfy the desired effect....nor do the enjoyements they offer for a short time last...

because I'm still the same John Schuchman...the same person who 'can't get rid of the sick feeling from being so far from perfect', and the same person finally realizing 'Life is this way because of how grossly far from perfect I am'





Oh God, save me please?

Our determined failure

On why people dislike Christians... this is an interesting bit... The first part is from Leslie Nease's blog. She was a contestant a few seasons back on Survivor:China.

I got a glimpse into a possible reason why people judge Christians when I was reading the book Survivor written by Mark Burnett, the producer of the series. He was talking about Dirk Been, the Christian guy on season one of the series. I'm not sure where Mr. Burnett stands with his faith (I'm certainly not qualified to judge his heart!) but he sure does offer some pretty intense insight to this subject in this paragraph from page 59.... (taken from her blog.. )






Dirk's demise was probably a few Tribal Councils off. But it was sure to come for he was beginning to annoy Tagi. The reason was his Christianity. There seems to be something threatening about a devout person of any faith to non-believers. It's as though a mirror is being held up to their faults. They feel judged. Whenever an individual closer to life's idea state comes in contact with those drifting farther away - a physically fit person in a room of smokers, a mentally balanced person speaking with someone fragmented and dysfunctional - that person is quietly scorned as a reminder of imperfection. Thus the universal dislike for those seeking a higher plane. Mankind, by its very nature, is an imperfect animal. It's easier to revel in imperfection and mock those taking the bold step towards improvement than to actually attempt the step. On an island that mockery can translate into an easy vote.

Blogging through the Crap

As I sit and sometimes wonder why I blog, I think the title of this post pretty much sums it all up. Blogging through the crap of life is why I blog. Some people blog when life is perfect. I am just the opposite. I blog when life just sucks...
That's not always the case, but it is the norm. I don't know if that's good or if it's bad.... I just know its the way I am.
I don't intend to blog to complain, but it's more to try to work out things in my head and try to find the biblical answer to my questions and issues. Certainly easier said than done. I'm still learning and trying to do things the right way...