Thursday, October 25, 2012

Who Am I?

You ever just have that moment where you realize NOTHING is different? Nothing. You are same. You are who you have been. You feel like just a product of your mistakes. You look in the mirror each day wondering 'What the Hell is wrong with me'? I normally look and say more colorful 4 letter words.

I know the verses, I know the songs, and I certainly know the lyrics.
I don't even have to look them up.

"You are more than the choices that you make. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes"- Tenth Avenue North.


I. GET. IT. I've been redeemed by the blood of Christ. I'm not struggling to be free, I'm free to struggle. Then why don't I feel free?
Why am I struggling?

Why do I struggle with the same damn things that have plagued me for so long.

I know. I get it. Or at least I think I do.


Again, I know the verses and don't need to look them up

"You will find me when you seek me with your whole heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)


What scares me isn't that I still struggle.... what scares me is that I'm not sure HOW MUCH God will strip me of.

What will he take from me before I surrender to his plan.

The title of the blog for about the past 6-9 months has been "Here's my life", a song by Barlow Girl.

Part of the song says "I'm missing what I've left behind", and I can only scoff. What have I left behind. What have I given up? I still sin. Usually I don't care until after it. I see change but its slow.

I see growth but its just SOOOO slow.

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us.” ― A.W. Tozer
My friend Laura posted this on Facebook about an hour ago. Maybe this is what I need. To stop thinking so highly of myself, but to come to the end of myself.



Sooo...God,  my only question now is not when will the struggle end, it's

"how much of this comfortable life will you strip me of before I'm on my knees, crying and begging you for mercy because I have nothing else? 
When will I finally believe that nothing that I pursue with this sinful heart will ever add up to how great You are?"

Maybe I first have to pursue Christ enough to actually realize how great He is when I'm willing to stop looking so much at myself, so much in the mirror, and so much to the world to satisfy me and instead looking to Christ and the Cross for my strength and ultimate joy.

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Anonymous said...

I STOPPED READING AT "IM SCARED OF HOW MUCH GOD WILL STRIO ME OF"

STOP THERE. PUT YOUR TRUST IN HIM. ALL OF YOUR TRUST IN HIM. HE IS IN CONTROL. TRUST HIM.

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Anonymous said...

So, how has it gone since October? I hope that things have gotten better.

As crazy as it seems it is incredibly hard to trust God's hand completely in our lives, even when we *know* that we can/should.

I'm praying for you.

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BIBLE PERSPECTIVES said...

Excellent post, we are free to struggle. This is a description of my walk with Christ. When does the struggle end? Perhaps Galatians 5:5 it is the key, we through the spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. This prayer for righteousness will be answered when we go home to be was Christ. this is something that all Christians can look forward to. I have been memorizing scripture for over 30 years with the hope of eliminating the struggle. Growth is present in my life but no matter what I do or how much I do, it doesn't seem to speed up the growth process.

BIBLE PERSPECTIVES said...

Excellent post, we are free to struggle. This is a description of my walk with Christ. When does the struggle end? Perhaps Galatians 5:5 it is the key, we through the spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. This prayer for righteousness will be answered when we go home to be was Christ. this is something that all Christians can look forward to. I have been memorizing scripture for over 30 years with the hope of eliminating the struggle. Growth is present in my life but no matter what I do or how much I do, it doesn't seem to speed up the growth process.

Jackie said...

shame is an emotion that holds us down. Instead of staring at your shame, maybe stare at Gods grace. sometimes, we focus on the wrong part of God. He knew you were going to fail before you ever did, he's big enough to handle that. You don't have to beat yourself up because he already did the work to save you from it. He never wanted us to live in shame. try living in his grace and just be.