It's where I stand.
I want to do well in school....but other desires (dating, friends, just being lazy) pull me away
I desire to save money....but also want to go out to eat, buy CD's movies and go places
I desire to love Elisa....but also desire for my own way which is not love
I want God's will for my life....but normally only if it fits my plans.
Lord change my heart, change my desires. Turn my world upside down. Take my desires away, all of them. Make me only desire you and to know you more fully and your plan for my life.
Give the me the strength and patience to leave life in your hands, because your plans are better than my own, and when I try to take control of my life, I just mess things up...no doubt about that one. Change my heart and give me a heart for you instead of one where I desire only to serve myself.
I need it now, just like always.
Help me realize that.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
So long ...........farewell
It seems like every post has been an 'I'm coming back', and instead turned into a 'Adios for a long,long time'. That was never intentional, and yet it happened.
So here is my 'so long' to the farewell....for I don't want to delay my updates like this anymore.
I feel like I should update everyone on the last 2+ months of my life, but I don't know what to even say and how to describe it.
It's hard to even describe or think about how far things have come in so many areas of my life.
I guess if there was an overall theme to the past few months and now the theme of my life, it's that everytime that you feel hopeless, with God there is allways.
I went through over 20 job applications over the past few months, never getting a job. I was upset, I was depressed and I became angry at God for not giving me a job. I turned my back on him yet he never let go and didn't turn away from me as I deserved. Instead he opened a door and allowed me to find a great job with a wonderful company. I began the job a week and a half ago and so far so good. The people I work with are great and the managers like me and say I am a hard worker, so...so far so good. I didn't deserve this opportunity at another job...and yet God is gracious and gave it to me.
As of now I am working about 30 hours a week between the two jobs I have.
Part of me doesn't understand why I get second chances and chances to fix my mistakes, but I am surely grateful for those chances. I am understand more about myself every day and just starting to grasp how often I ignore what God is telling me or trying to show me. Thankfully, when I try to run away and turn my back, he never lets go.
Everything else continues to run its course in my life. I start school again on Monday and it should be a make or break it semester. I currently have 4 courses but am hoping to bump that up to 5 or maybe 6 if I get can get signed into 2 courses I need but don't have the pre-requisites for.
Me and Elisa continue to grow together as well. I can't believe we are fast approaching 3 months together. It's strange how fast time has gone. I am so happy for her and what she means to my life. She makes me want to do things differently then the 20 years of failed attempts.Before I lived in the 'here and now' and for myself. Now I am becoming a different person, realizing that the decisions I make don't just effect me here, but also me and others around me long term. I am starting to learn more about this each day. Decisions that I made over my life have effected others in a negative way, and I don't want to do that to anyone anymore. I want to be living like I know about that hope for the future I am told about (Jeremiah 29:11), and live my life striving to reach those goals for myself, for me and Elisa as a couple, and for the family, friends, and people I come in contact with as I go.
Elisa has become my best friend and ultimate supporter, never accepting failure or falling short, especially when I am ready to just give up on myself, she pushes me further.
The ride continues and I will continue to be thankful for it as I go, praying that God holds me and my plans tightly in his own plan and doesn't let me go off that path or turn my back on him again.
So.....
so long .....for now, until next time. When will it be? I don't know....but hopefully the delay is short so that I can keep the people who care enough to read this and care about me as a person updated on how my journey is going.
So here is my 'so long' to the farewell....for I don't want to delay my updates like this anymore.
I feel like I should update everyone on the last 2+ months of my life, but I don't know what to even say and how to describe it.
It's hard to even describe or think about how far things have come in so many areas of my life.
I guess if there was an overall theme to the past few months and now the theme of my life, it's that everytime that you feel hopeless, with God there is allways.
I went through over 20 job applications over the past few months, never getting a job. I was upset, I was depressed and I became angry at God for not giving me a job. I turned my back on him yet he never let go and didn't turn away from me as I deserved. Instead he opened a door and allowed me to find a great job with a wonderful company. I began the job a week and a half ago and so far so good. The people I work with are great and the managers like me and say I am a hard worker, so...so far so good. I didn't deserve this opportunity at another job...and yet God is gracious and gave it to me.
As of now I am working about 30 hours a week between the two jobs I have.
Part of me doesn't understand why I get second chances and chances to fix my mistakes, but I am surely grateful for those chances. I am understand more about myself every day and just starting to grasp how often I ignore what God is telling me or trying to show me. Thankfully, when I try to run away and turn my back, he never lets go.
Everything else continues to run its course in my life. I start school again on Monday and it should be a make or break it semester. I currently have 4 courses but am hoping to bump that up to 5 or maybe 6 if I get can get signed into 2 courses I need but don't have the pre-requisites for.
Me and Elisa continue to grow together as well. I can't believe we are fast approaching 3 months together. It's strange how fast time has gone. I am so happy for her and what she means to my life. She makes me want to do things differently then the 20 years of failed attempts.Before I lived in the 'here and now' and for myself. Now I am becoming a different person, realizing that the decisions I make don't just effect me here, but also me and others around me long term. I am starting to learn more about this each day. Decisions that I made over my life have effected others in a negative way, and I don't want to do that to anyone anymore. I want to be living like I know about that hope for the future I am told about (Jeremiah 29:11), and live my life striving to reach those goals for myself, for me and Elisa as a couple, and for the family, friends, and people I come in contact with as I go.
Elisa has become my best friend and ultimate supporter, never accepting failure or falling short, especially when I am ready to just give up on myself, she pushes me further.
The ride continues and I will continue to be thankful for it as I go, praying that God holds me and my plans tightly in his own plan and doesn't let me go off that path or turn my back on him again.
So.....
so long .....for now, until next time. When will it be? I don't know....but hopefully the delay is short so that I can keep the people who care enough to read this and care about me as a person updated on how my journey is going.
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