Who Am I?

You ever just have that moment where you realize NOTHING is different? Nothing. You are same. You are who you have been. You feel like just a product of your mistakes. You look in the mirror each day wondering 'What the Hell is wrong with me'? I normally look and say more colorful 4 letter words.

I know the verses, I know the songs, and I certainly know the lyrics.
I don't even have to look them up.

"You are more than the choices that you make. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes"- Tenth Avenue North.


I. GET. IT. I've been redeemed by the blood of Christ. I'm not struggling to be free, I'm free to struggle. Then why don't I feel free?
Why am I struggling?

Why do I struggle with the same damn things that have plagued me for so long.

I know. I get it. Or at least I think I do.


Again, I know the verses and don't need to look them up

"You will find me when you seek me with your whole heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)


What scares me isn't that I still struggle.... what scares me is that I'm not sure HOW MUCH God will strip me of.

What will he take from me before I surrender to his plan.

The title of the blog for about the past 6-9 months has been "Here's my life", a song by Barlow Girl.

Part of the song says "I'm missing what I've left behind", and I can only scoff. What have I left behind. What have I given up? I still sin. Usually I don't care until after it. I see change but its slow.

I see growth but its just SOOOO slow.

“The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us.” ― A.W. Tozer

My friend Laura posted this on Facebook about an hour ago. Maybe this is what I need. To stop thinking so highly of myself, but to come to the end of myself.



Sooo...God,  my only question now is not when will the struggle end, it's

"how much of this comfortable life will you strip me of before I'm on my knees, crying and begging you for mercy because I have nothing else? 

When will I finally believe that nothing that I pursue with this sinful heart will ever add up to how great You are?"

Maybe I first have to pursue Christ enough to actually realize how great He is when I'm willing to stop looking so much at myself, so much in the mirror, and so much to the world to satisfy me and instead looking to Christ and the Cross for my strength and ultimate joy.